I'm Full! (Wednesday, October 6, 2010)

Well, some of you may have noticed that I have not written anything in a while, which is a good thing. For, you see, I've had my fill of writing much like the town glutton finally had his/her fill of jelly donuts! Believe me, cooking is still a very low priority in my life, and I will happily go on for plenty of days not cooking stuff. That's what I've intended to do once I reached a certain age where cooking was going to be expected of me. But that is not the realy challenge. No, something sinister inside me dwells, and it comes out at the moment when it is most unwelcome. You see, I have tried to quit writing several times and all to no avail. Sure, I would stop for a few months when it was my intention to take at least a year off from writing. Ha Ha! That worked out like accepting Communism in the United States fifty years ago! It's hard. A lot harder than no cooking stuff I must say. So, for all of you who have stayed by my side, I want to take this time to thank you for listening, or reading rather. Your loyalty to my sucky blog has truly touched me. Now I will leave you with this thought:

Screw not cooking stuff for a whole year; I'm going to try not writing stuff!

By Special Request (Wednesday, September 22, 2010)

Ok, I am still not cooking stuff, but I haven't posted any updates lately because, frankly, I am nearly done with all my books and I am sick of writing! I am only doing an entry today by request of one of my best friends.

So, last night, we get to talking on the phone, and we start laughing and goofing around. (I was a little hyper from the broccoli, not pizza, that I had for dinner.) She told me that she was sad that I haven't updated this blog lately, and she told me how not cooking stuff is funny. Then, we started joking even more until she said: "You probably don't even know what kind of oven that you have." I stopped laughing and scratched my head. Come to think of it, I really didn't know what kind of oven I have! So, I had to march my ass into the kitchen and actually look at the thing to see what brand it is. Whirlpool, duh! I should have known that! We ended up joking about that until my vocal chords were sore from laughing and it was time to settle down for the night.

So, special unnamed best friend for reason of protection from crazies on the Internet, this if for you!

Flying Right By (Friday, September 10, 2010)

Wow. All I can say is "wow" because of how quickly we are flying through the year. Anyhow, just had some leftovers for dinner and another Hot Pocket. Can't wait to watch some of our new movies in a few days. New movies are so much fun! Probably soon need to buy some more food that I do not have to cook. Take it easy...

Get in the Car, It's Dominoes (Thursday, September 9, 2010)

Okay. Okay. I don't want to be a plaigerist, so I am going to cite the right to the parody that I typed in as my title: "Get the Door, it's Dominoes" slogan (c) 2007 Dominoes Pizza. I even put the year that they started using the slogan, and that makes me not a plaigerist, so there! :p

"What?"
MY HUSBAND'S VOICE: "Well, parodies are public domain."
Me: I knew that!

But, this, folks is not exactly a parody but a slight variation. I only changed a few words around, and I don't want to get sued by some people who fill my mouth with their delicious junk food, I mean pizza. What's this have to do with my blog? Almost completely nothing!

That's right. Dominoes sent the library some nice discount coupons for their lovely pizza deals. I figured since I work there, I might cut out the one for the family meal deal thingie. Hey, I know what some of you are thinking, and two people (ie: my husband and I) can definitely be considered a family. Why do we have to throw anyone else into the mix. Don't you dare judge me! ;p ;p

Well, we had dome of that for dinner tonight because I sure as hell am not going to cook anything. Then I would have to shit down this blog and let everyone who is reading this get back to their mundane little lives. LOL

By the way, I changed the slogan to "car" because I seldom carry cash, and we always pick up our pizza because we are too cheap to leave a tip.

Much, Much Better (Wednesday, September 8, 2010)

Well, I managed to drag myself out of bed and get to the doctor's for my appointment. I apparently have throat acid reflux, (don't know how the fuck I got that!) and he wrote me a new prescription for that. Man, what am I, like 87? I don't like taking all these pills, but they hopefully won't be permanent! Besides, the doctor said that I don't have to change my diet, so I had some more Hot Pockets and ice cream. Today, I made much more progress and got more stuff done. Was wicked tired, though it was a productive day today. Gotta go now...

Is Tuesday the New Monday? (Tuesday, September 7, 2010)

had a bitch of a day at work and hardly wanted to talk to anyone. I also just found I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to have my throat examined because of some recent irritation. (According to most people, I need to have my head examined!). I wouldn't mind, except for the fact that I cannot sleep in, and I have to work eight hours on top of that! So, after I got home from another Dr.'s appointment (thyriod/blood/thingie), I shoved some Hot Pockets in my mouth, and later a bowl of ice cream! Watched two of the three Smoky and the Bandit movies. (Don't worry, I tuned out all that twangy country music shit!) and all was right with my world.

Monday, Monday (Monday, September 6, 2010)

Why am I singing that? It's not one of my favorite songs, and today was a good Monday not only because I didn't have to go to work, but I had some great pizza on top of that! Made a lot of progress with my books and am getting done. I should be able to put on the finishing touchies soon!

Felt Like Saturday (And That's a Good Thing) (Sunday, September 5, 2010)

We decided we had to go to dinner at Logan's tonight because we didn't want out coupon to expire. It was great, and it was nice to get out of the house for a little bit. Won't have to worry about not restaurant food until tomorrow night. It's good to keep going!

Saturday, Saturday (Saturday September 4, 2010)

My sweet little hubby wanted me to go with him to Dairy Queen instead of pizza options, or other options tonight. I obliged, but a little begrudingly, because of cash flow. (Won't get paid until Tuesday.) Wasn't bad. Had a good time eating and watching movies and all. Am soo glad to have Monday off! Talk to ya laterz...

Weekend Food (Friday, September 3, 2010)

I am a little hungier today, but, by principle, and for dake with trying to win a bet--I mean keeping up with my blog, I will not cook. (Now, I will attempt to go on a different rant....)

Back when I used to deprive myself, during the week, weekends primarily meant one thing. PIG OUT TIME!! Seriously. I literally stuffed all kinds of food into my mouth because it was the weekend, and I no longer had to stick to my mostly fruits and vegetable rule. Sure, sometimes I got a little sick from being full, but it was worth it--getting to enjoy these foods without the weekday guilt. Then, during the week, when I "detoxed," I felt a little sick and deprived, but at the same time, I felt happy that I could quit the crap for another four days. True, my overall eating habits are not very good, but, at least this way, my system will be used to the kinds of things that I eat, and I am actually eating a lot less on average. These last few days, I have not had much to eat. And, believe it or not, it was not only because I didn't want to cook; I simply was not hungry! Which is great, since I need to start losing some weight. I just have to remember, there is much more to life than food.

Simple (Thursday, September 2, 2010)

I can't believe it's moving its way into fall. Today is simple, since I was not very hungry today, I did not have to cook anything. Rather, I just went downstairs and watched movies with my husband when I got home from work.

Little Foods (Wednesday, September 1, 2010)

Too busy fooling with more books to have anything but a HotPocket and a Blue Bunny ice cream pop. I was actually very good for lunch and had a banana and some grapes. Lately, it seems like my appetite might be shriking a little. That's all right with me!

Needed Food and Stuff (Tuesday, August 31, 2010)

Well, it's official. I've been able to go two months without cooking! *cheers and applause* Thank you, thank you, but I still have a ways to go. Had to go stupid-ass food shopping, but at least I got to buy a bunch of crap that I will not have to cook. I know that it is not healthy sometimes, but it tastes soooo good!! I'm not naming any specifics here, but those of you who know me well enough know what kinds of foods I eat and what kinds I tend to avoid. Always tempted to look at books when I go shopping , and it's hard not being able to buy all the ones that I want! But everyone knows that's a good thing because I have too many to read as it is ;P

Blah! (Monday, August 30, 2010)

Not eating is easy when things get on your nerves! I should know. I don't want to bitch about my books not cooperating with me here, so I will spare you all those details. Just shoved my mouth full of more HotPockets and tried to pretend that I do not have to go to go to work tomorrow. Oh well, at least I didn't have to cook anything today. :)

Arby's is Good! (Sunday, August 29, 2010)

Am I allowed to use the name of a fast food restaurant in my title? Oh well, too late. Anyway, found another local ARby's restaurant near a truck stop, so we decided to go there and order some food on which to chow down. We didn't really want to go out, yet I certainly was not going to cook! Unfortunately though, we are running our of food, and that means we have to go the the damn vrocery store soon. Oh well, at the store may have that special edition of Rolling Stone magazine with a feature on The Beatles. That would be a worthy investment.

Anyway, was teasing my husband about food. I asked him if he wanted me to buy the ingredients for meatloaf so I could make it for him. If it was any other normal day before (or after, maybe) that I started this blog, he would have answered: "Yes, please!" But he saw through my trick and knew, at once, that I was only pulling his leg. Boy, talk about how hard it to tease someone nowadays!

Movie Night! (Saturday, August 29, 2010)

Watched some of our great movies tonight! HotPockets are always a good fix for that. Decided that we did not need to go out and eat tonight because we might want to save it for the holiday weekend next week. Looking forward to more greatness next week!

Movies and Such (Friday, August 28, 2010)

Had some more oven pizza and junk today. My husband knew to cook for me because I had to get up and go to various appointments. Even though I want to talk about not cooking, stuff, I am running otu of ideas. Instead, I am going to talk about what new movies my husband and I are excited about taping on our DVR: The Time Traveler's Wife, Shallow Hal, Madagascar 2, Thinner, some Lewis Black comedy special and some others. Some of them are slated for recording tomorrow night...

Work Sucks (Thursday, August 26, 2010)

Made my husband make me some macaroni & cheese for dinner tonight because people got on my nerves big time, and I was glad to come home. Hoping people will see me as a a writer someday and not a buffoon or comic relief, (unless I intend for them to find me funny). I should have had some nice alcohol to go with my food, but I don't think mac & cheese would go good with wine. Kinda opposite balances on the pH scale, kinda nasty. Anyway, then people piss me off, it's best to not eve think about cooking, let alone trying it.

Hot Pockets are Good! (Wednesday, August 25, 2010)

Ok, I will admit it. People got on my nerves tonight, and I did not want to eat anything that was healthy, so I dug into my Hot Pockets and settled into The Obama Diaries. I'm a liberal, but both my husband and I were curious about the book. But I'm not here to state my beliefs, I;m here to state how I am not cooking stuff for the next ten months because cooking sucks.

PIZZA MONSTER! (Tuesday, August 24, 2010)

Decided to say "Fuck it!" and get a pizza tonight! Papa John's is always a favorite. It's good to splurge on your favorite foods as long as you aren't ready to puke after you've ingested them. Not having to cook pizza is definitely NOT going to make me sick of eating it!

Relaxing (Monday, August 23, 2010)

Blood sugar is still looking good. Had fun not cooking anything tonight as I dined on Hot Pockets and other such snack-like foods. But, most of all, I had fun NOT having to do anything with my books tonight. Just read more of To Kill a Mockingbird and played my Pokemon video game. Glad that we managed to clean the place without having to work too hard. Too much work, whether it has to dow ith cooking or not, cannot be good for you! ;)

Hollywood Nights (Friday, August 20, 2010)

Great song. I've had it stuck in my head since last night when we watched Rock Show on our digital music TV channel. This has nothing to do whatsoever with the rest of this blog. More pizza oven fun before a night at the home movies. (No, I don't mean home movies as in 8mm vidoes of when we grew up, Yeah, I'm old.) Need to keep on stressing the importance of me not cooking, especially as the holidays approach. At least no one's nagging me to cook for any holiday meals or hold them at our house. Don't get me wrong, I love family gatherings. It's great that my husband has a lot of family members but I am not a fan of cooking for two people let alone sixteen! It's a good thing some other people in the family love to cook. I would just tell them: "Have at it!"

Oh, I just had my usual fruit and snacks and pizza today. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'll let you know when I start losing weight.

Walkies (Thursday, August 29, 2010)

Had a nice walk today after work to let off some steam. I totally did not cook some food for me for dinner. Instead, I feasted on the remnants that were lying around the house. Have to do more food shopping soon, *groan* and during all this construction too. Not cooking is nothing is just a given because shopping and construction are a pain in the ass all themselves. And I will be nice and say that my husband does not have to cook during this time either. :)

Tired (Wednesday, August 18, 2010)

Limited food consumption started today at lunch because the apple I bit into was rotten! I just bought the damn bag not so long ago! Fruits should last a hell of a lot longer than they do! Anyway, had a big bowl of ice cream after I was done for the night with my books. Pretty soon, most of the junk we have in the house will be gone (though there is some crap that he will eat, and I won't, but that doens't count for me!) Keep you ups with my hopefully soon weight loss as well as my not cooking stuff...

Are Food and Books the Same? (Tuesday, August 17, 2010)

God, I hope not. In that case, I would weight well over 900 lbs with the way I read sometimes!! Well, back to work. I had a great day, but I got exasperated last night because I could not finish my book. (See other blog.) But, soon, I will have that part done, and I will not have to bitch about going back through "all those damn poetry books." Well, anyway, I should go back to not cooking and stuff. Hot Pockets count as no cooking, right? I mean, between before I went back to my room to enjoy a good book, I had me two pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets, and all was right with the world. It's also good that I'm cutting down on the sweets. Good thing I don't really know how to bake. That kind of knowledge would be very dangerous in our house!!

Goodbye Shitty Metabolism! (Monday, August 16, 2010)

Good day today! Went to the endrocronologist, and he is a very nice man. He said that I definitely have hypothyroidism, so I am not just a fat pig due to stuffing my face, it's partially due to the fault of my stupid hormones. Well, we are going to fix that shit very soon! He told me not to worry about my cholesterol because that would go down with weight loss. Now, I am taking double dosage of my thyroid pills and waiting, patiently, for the changes to kick in! I also gotta keep an eye on my blood sugar because I do not want diabetes! But, first, I have to figure out the damn machine!

As for not cooking, we totally did not cook a Papa John's pizza for dinner that night. I figured. What the hell? But I gotta remember that these pills are not powerful little wonder drugs to keep any weight off that's supposed to be mounted to my body. I need good food and exercise for this to really kick in. Plus, not cooking is totally going to help me lose some excess weight!

You Never Get Sick of Oven Pizza when You Don't Have to Cook it (Sunday, August 15, 2010)

Enough said. Besides, it's good for my husband to consistently cook pizzas in the oven for us. This is all I feel like saying right now.

Movie Time (Saturday, August 14, 2010)

Never drive in torrential rain. That's all I have to say. Getting to the theater to see Scott Pilgrim VS the World was a scary experience. Maybe we should have gone to see Dinner for Schmucks, then it wouldn't have rained? Anyway, after all that hubbub, we went out to our favorite steak house and chowed down on our usual food. Would have had more when we got home that night, but I nearly fell asleep not too long into another movie. Food is great when you don't have to cook, but it is lousy when you ar trying to sleep.

Weekend Time (Friday, August 13, 2010)

Just had a quiet day with nothing out of the ordinary lazy movie night and no cooking for me. I'm glad that it's weekend time. More not cooking for me!

Alarm Clocks Suck (August 12, 2010)

Well, at least I didn't have to "cook" any breakfast for myself because my fucking alarm clock woke me up late. Piece of shit! Well, I had to hurry up and get dressed and fly out of the houe like a bat out of hell! And, of course, there is all this construction around my plan that prevents me from taking the convenient way home from work. So, I had to go all these backroads and stuff to get to home and work. Then, I had to see how many more books I could get done. I didn't get to eat very much today. (Oh well, maybe that is a good thing.) I guess in order to not cook sometime, one has to not eat. If my fast ass loses weight from this whole thing, then I guess it will be worth it!

Other People Should Cook for Me (Wednesday, August 11, 2010)

Other people should have the privilege of cooking for me when I come home late and have to go on computer to revise my books. It's not too much to ask, just a little, small meal that would be quick to eat and not make a mess in the computer room.

Tired and Stuff (Tuesday, August 10, 2010)

After a long and tiring day of work, my hubby and I just had some more of our beloved pizza and watched movies together. Too hot to take a walk outside, but that's ok, because I was too tired anyway. Tried not to pig out, but had some more of my favorite junk. Then, later on, played video games for several hours (as Strongbad so articulately mentioned in one of his e-mails). One half of me wants to get off the junk food, and the other half doesn't. It will be interesting to see if my mind and body try to fight over this issue when the time comes. For now, I am eating whatever the hell I want and not cooking!

Guess What, It's Monday (Monday, August 9, 2010)

Well, aside from the fact that I am nearly halfway through two months through my little project, nothing has changed from yesterday. Ate less today because I was busy revising my books and not cooking.

Nothing Exciting (Sunday, August 8, 2010)

Had some macaroni & cheese before we went food shopping today. It was good, but not as good (for me) as some of the other things I bought. Got some Greek yogurt and Fiber Plus granola bars. That might help my craving a little. We'll see.

Fast Food :p (Saturday, August 7, 2010)

Had some Arby's for dinner tonight. Since we had coupons this time, we decided it was worth it. The food was good, and they almost actually got our order right this time. The only reason why I say "almost" is because they put some nasty, orange sauce on the bottom bun of the sandwich. I almost just tried to take the bottom bun and throw it away, but I decided it was not worth the effort and ate the roast beef sandwiches anyway. (Man, and people wonder why I don't like fast food.) Tried to control my pigging out tonight, and I guess that worked ok. Just gotta remember that the same crap that makes me feel good for a moment is not worth feeling like shit for the rest of the day. Just something to think about...

Don't Listen to What I Said Yesterday (Friday, August 6, 2010)

Ok, so now I am a little freaked out because I had chest pains last night. Really, it was a sharp pain underneath my left breast, right where my heart is. I think God was telling me to lighten up on the junk food. I will, but, unfortunatly, it is so hard. Still had some good old junk today, but nowhere near the volume it reached last night! I guess I just get hungry too much. I could drink a lot more water, but that makes me have to pee too damn much. Really, shouldn't water just sit anad wait to go out, just like anything that's not very good for you t o drink? Oh well, now I'm just rambling. Very relieved to be all right. Keep not cooking, food believers!

Treasured Food Advice to be Kept on Your Nightstand! (Thursday, August 5, 2010)

Ok, so here's the skinny; I've come to the conclusion that food can suck! (Though sometimes I just say food sucks!) I was talking with one of my family members last night, and we were discussing the foods I should eat vs. what kinds of foods I am eating right now. Apparently, cakes and pies are so bad for you that you might as well eat at McDonald's and let all that nasty burger meat slide down your throat. Not my idea for relaxing night after work. Ok, so I eat too many sweets. I know that it's not good for you, but at least I am not melting in the rain. And, yes, I do hate getting rained on, but it's for a completely different reason. Just follow this link and look at the picture, then you'll know why I hate getting rained on so much: http://www.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&tbs=isch%3A1&sa=1&q=soaked+cats%2C+pictures&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=

Yep, cats hate water!

Anyway, back to my main point. Sometimes food sucks and can be a real bitch. It's such a pain in the ass to have to figure out what kinds of foods to eat, what kinds of foods to avoid, how to prepare these foods, what time of the day one should eat, how often one should eat, what quantity one should eat, how much one should eat, plus not to mention the specifics! In all the time it takes to figure all that carp out, I could squeeze myself into a little pink tutu and practice ballet while listening to the Nutcracker. Speaking of which, food can be expensive, and the prices usually cause me to say: "They're breaking my balls!" So, yeah, Nutcracker serves as a pretty accurate description.

But like death and taxes, food is unavoidable also, unless you are one of those make-believe, undead creatures that allow authors to sell so many books and make all that money. You gotta eat something sometime, so my advice today is,

*eat whatever the hell you want--life's too short, fuck it!

*eat only whenever you're hungry--unless, of course, that is 24/7, in which case you should just attach a feeding bac around your neck!

*exercise--even if it's chasing a family member around with the baseball bat because they forgot to do the laundry (no, that is not me)

*don't deny yourself--diets are bullshit, and they don't work long-term, even if you're a fat slob, at least you're a happy fat slob because you're not on a diet

and least, but not least:

*don't let others tell you that you have to cook for them--that's the most maddening thing of all! People who tell you that they have to cook should be pointed in the direction of every fast food restaurant in town. There, they can pick their poison.

Do, even though I say all this stuff today, I might every well change my mind tomorrow. Oh well, at least you'll have some good bedtime reading tonight from your printouts, Blackberries, illiegible transctiption copies, etc. You know how fickle I can be. Well, I gotta get going now and not cook some more stuff. My pink tutu is calling me from the closet. And I'm out...

Hot and Sweet (August 4, 2010)

No, I just did not describe myself when I was at my prime a few years ago. although I wish I fit that description all the time. :) Got a little sick late last night (though it may be something related to the color red, not Commies, rather than food. Regardless, had two stalks of celery to stabalize myself. Ate more junk today but kept it a little less in abundance. Not cooking is fun, and junk food tastes great, but it's not worth it if it zaps your energy.

Food + Movies = Good Combination (Tuesday, August 3, 2010)

But I'm not just talkign about the whole popcorn soda deal. Those of you who know me know that I don't like plain popcorn, and I plain detest soda. I'm talking about a bunch of other crap that I have no business eating if I want to lose weight, but whatever. I'll worry about that after I go see the doctor in a few weeks. I'm a hyperactive person, and even though I eat crap, I should at least lose a little weight. I mean, I do get some exercise, even if it's only reverse stomach crunches and the occasional sit-up on my exercise ball.

My husband got us Kick-Ass on DVD today, so we got to watch that and Marley and Me. (I know, what a weird combination.) By the way, when you can't get a hold of pizza, Hot Pockets are a good substutite. (Hey! Don't try to say that I am contradicting myself here. Throwing food in the microwave and nuking it does NOT count as cooking!) But throwing shit in an oven and baking it for an hour or two does. Hmmm... I never thought about that before, but the microwave still does not count because it only takes a few seconds or minutes at the most. So there! :p But, seriously, not cooking stuff, combined with the cinema effect, makes all your not effort feel even better!

Good Eats (Monday, August 2, 2010)

I'm talking about me, not the TV show, starring Alton Brown, on the Food Network. Had a better day today because I did not pump as much junk into my system as I could. Man, it feels great not to have to cook, and it can only get better with every month. Hubby does not seem to mind all this pizza (though we did not have it tonight). And people are starting to know better than to ask me the infamous question (you know the one) on a multiple daily basis. This just goes to show that I did not let their barrage of hot air get to me because I am an individual who gets to make her own choices! If you have the same problem as I did, you can either a) get some earplugs or b) do what I did and just tune everything out. I mean, that's what I do every day when people ask me stupid questions about food that I refuse to cook!

Hangovers Suck (Sunday, August 1, 2010)

Well, congratulate me. I managed to go a whole month without cooking stuff! I would go out and get some alcohol to celebrate, but I have to work tomorrow, and I'm sure work really sucks with a hangover! (Besides, if you've ever seen the movie The Hangover, you know that you can really get into some weird shit when you're drunk!) Well, I gotta go eatch movies and continue to not cook stuff well into the movie.

Same Old Song and Dance (Saturday, July 31, 2010)

(Forgive me if I used that title on this or my other blog. I can't remember now, and I don't think I want to!) Nope. Nope. Definitely did not cook today. Tried to stabalize my poor system by throwing in some good fruit and veggies to balance out the junk. I guess it's working because I do not find myself craving stuff every day like I used to. Plus, it keeps me emotionally stable, which is not an easy thing during the red tide (if you catch my drift). Go and not cook something for me.

Shopping Sucks (Friday, July 30, 2010)

Had to get more damn food shopping done. I hate it, but it's not as bad as redular shopping. I just ate more junk and subsided on other stuff. Getting really exasperated at people telling me how much they love to cook. Yeah, right, and I going to the doctor's office to have shots! ;p

Good Thing Not all Foods Have to Be Cooked (Thursday, July 29, 2010)

By me, that is. But we've already been over this too many times to count in this tiny, tiny magic box, which seems to get larger with more words as I type them in. Nothing too new on the forefront. Good thing that I do not have to cook for another eleven months because I am very busy writing an (unauthorized) autobiography. (It's so secret that I'm not even supposed to tell that I did not give myself permission to write it!) Had some more pizza-related stuff today. Still having a hard time coping with cutting down my sweets, (and I have yet to actually do it) but that will all come in good time. My health is important, and so is my new secret book. I'd tell you all more about it, but then I would have to kill myself! So, keep on truckin' with your non-cooking, bad selves!

Low Key (Wednesday, July 28, 2010)

Well, decided to keep it low-key today. Glad that I got out of cooking because I worked later tonight. Though I am completely addicted to sugar, I need to find something else good tasting to eat because I feel like crap when I eat too much of that. Just had some chicken soup and less sugar so I could take better care of myself. Keep not cooking, but eat processed sugar in moderation.

Pizza is Controlling My Life! (Tuesday, July 27, 2010)

Well, not really. That would be bad, not only bad in the sense that it is not healthy, but bad in the cheesy sci-fi movie ripoff sense! Had a pizza tonight to celebrate (see my other blog) and did not feel one bit guilty about not cooking. More cakes and sweets to go around, and hubby did not complain. Need to go buy some more food when we gets the monheey!! Too busy stuffing my face to even write more! Keep getting stuff published, I mean, not cooking!

More Bad Food, Still Don't Care (Monday, July 26, 2010)

That's right, I said it. I am learning to not care about my weight so much as having my food needs met. The sad part is, I used to be the opposite a few years ago, even though I did not have to cook back then, either! The reason why I don't care is because nothing is going to help me shed some pounds, unless my visit to the endocrinologist in a few weeks helps. So, until then, I am going to keep eating whatever the hell I want, as long as I include some good foods in my diet. That way, I will be a lot less cranky and more willing to want to eat. It's all about balance. Keep on doing what you're doing, my fellow non cookers!

Shrinking Dishes (Sunday, July 25, 2010)

Another good thing about not cooking. Less dishwashing to fool with. I mean, even though we have some junk and use regular dishes, it is not as much of a burden as it used to be. Now I have more time for doing important things, such as watching movies with my hubby! Anyway, washing dishes too much has its consequences. The more you wash the dishes, the more they shrink! And, now, it will become very hard to make them fit (underneath your favorite meals). A simple solution to this would be to purchase paper or styrofoam plates, though they are not as environmentally friendly. But, shrinking dishes continue to be a problem all across the country. But, as with every other situation on earth, there IS something you can do about. Just not cooking for at least one meal a day can help. That way, you won't have to bombard the dish market with never-ending requests for something that cannot keep up with you or your palate!

Had a Nice Dinner Out (Saturday, July 24, 2010)

Had a nice dinner out tonight with my hubby. We went to one of our favorite restaurants and got a variety of good foods, such as cheesefries, chicken, steak, and plenty of broccoli! I love broccoli!! Anyway, my poor hubby has caught on as to why I want to eat out all the time rather than stay at home. That means I don't cook for him. Sure, it may drain my wallet and make me even more of a fat ass, but, at this point, I don't care. As long as I get stuff in my body that helps to keep me alive and I can stay away from the stove.

P to the I to the Z to the to the Z to the A (Friday, July 23, 2010)

Had a mixture of both good and bad foods. Made my husband cook us a pizza and some breadsticks in the oven. That shit never gets old! I don't care what anyone else says, but pizza is the best food in the whole world!! And the beauty of pizza is that people can customize theirs any way they want, and they don't have to worry about what names people would call them because pizza IS the universal food. Come on, I mean, what other foods can you put both pineapple and bacon on? Anyone who argues with me on this point will never be allowed to read this blog again, or anything else that I had written (whether having accessed it on purpose or not). This time, I am putting my foot down!

Funny Thing Happened Today (Thursday, July 22, 2010)

Actually, nothing funny happened. And I'm not just talking about me. Nope, absolutely nothing funny happened all over the world today. Don't believe me. Go on, look it up. As I have said before EVERYTHING on the Internet is absoultely right! I mean, this is how all these students look up all that wonderful information for school papers and stuff!

Even though I am not going to cook for a little over eleven months, I still had to go food shopping. (Groin, I mean, groan!) All you people with no personal servants know what I am talking about.

Deep Thoughts (Wednesday, July 21,2010)

Well, ok, I will admit that my name is not Jack Handey, but that does not stop me from pontificating every once in a while. I just get to thinking about the state of the world, and all the serious stuff therein. It almost makes me feel guilty for my not cooking posts, almost. Nothing for you to spit milk out of your nose while laughing will be mentioned today. You just have to go back and read all my old posts.

Plain (Tuesday, July 20, 2010)

Ok, that was a bad title. No one really wants to read something with the word "plain," or something similar to that, therein. Aside from having to go back to the "groin," (whoops, I mean grind) nothing spectacular happened. No ice cream and fatty cakes for this fatty tonight! Just boring old stuff, which sufficed, in order to keep me alive.

Grrr... (Monday, July 19, 2010)

See what some asshole just posted to my blog comment message board thingie:

"This blog is a joke! Not only is it not serious, but it does not talk about not cooking stuff as well. I mean, the person who wrote this shoud really have his/her head examined because it has nothing to do with Julia Child! People like this should not be given a creative license with which to think!"

"...not talk about cooking stuff." The nerve of this person! I mean, that's what this blog is about. That's the theme. This blog celebrates lazy people, like me, who do not want to fool with cooking because it is a pain in the ass!

Baby, Come Back! (Sunday, July 18, 2010)

I an attempt to gain back my loyal blog followers, I am going to do something so vile, so unspeakable, so un imaginiably horrible that no one in the whole world has ever thought to do something like this before... I'm going to chug vinegear oil, wearing a polka dotted dress, while not cooking and watching old episodes of Married With Children. What? That's not disgusting enough. Oh, ok, now I know how to fix it . Correction. I am going to do all that stuff I just mentioned while watching episodes of Seinfeld instead. There, that's much more unspeakable!

There, now that you're back in the saddle again, let's get to talking about how my non-cooking is going. Today, I did not cook a whole can of chicken noodle soup, washed down with some plain, non sparkly water. (Oh, love that water!) Anyway, I had some more cereal in the morning and more fruit in the afternoon. Nothing left to the imagination here, except how my living room carpet looked, soaked with all that vegetable oil that missed my mouth.

To Meat or not to Meat (Saturday, July 17, 2010)

Wow, I was a bad girl today. We went to a party where they served nothing but mean, green beans, potato salad, and cole slaw. Since I abhor potato salad and cole slaw, I was stuck eating nothing but green beans (which I love, but even they had bits of meat in with them) and chicken and pulled pork in hamburger buns. I don't want to sound too preachy, but when I am in the mood for good side dishes, as an alternative to a lot of meat, then I had better be accomodated, dammit! These people can't expect me to not to trash a hotel room (or a party) when I don't get my way. I mean, I was the one who wrote the famous novel, I Love You, Beth Cooper, which was recently made into a movie. Oh wait, that was Larry Doyle... Ahem *crickets chirping* Well, it seems as if I have certainly shot myself in the foot. I guess you all are still checking out the aforementioned "I hate pizza" blog. Please come back to me. Please... I'll do anything! I;ll not cook for two whole years if that's what it takes to get you back... *more crickets chirping*

Guys...

I Am Ice Cream (and so can You)! (Friday, July 16, 2010)

My husband and I enjoyed a romantic dinner at our favorite steakhouse tonight. With all the whooping and hollering that went on, I could hardly hear our waitress as she tried to take our order. What's even worse was the fact that I couldn't hear my favorite ROCK music coming from the jukebox! that really pissed me off. Oh well, free not cooking dinner for me, score!

Later that night, we were at home, relaxing and enjoying the new movies that were recorded on our DVR. My husband was busy eating his pint of Americone Dream ice cream, straight from Stephen Colbert's fridge! (Me, I think the ice cream should be called I am Ice Cream (and so Can You) in honor of food truthiness, but no, they just had to give it a black & white name!) Thus, I digress. Waffle cone and funny ice cream is definitely a good thing!

Pizza Time! (Thursday, July 15, 2010)

Found a nice, cheap Little Ceasar's pizza place near where we live, so we just took advantage of it and made a meal out of that. (No pun intended.) I can't believe that that place almost went out of business. As willpowered as I can be, pizza is one of my great weaknesses. What can I say, it's like green kryptonite for Superman, but only slightly less deadly! Neither my husband, nor myself, can resist gorging and stuffing our faces with the "four food group" glory that has taken our nation by storm. This delicious foodstuff was really invented in Turkey (although, most people think pizza was invented in Italy). But that's a common misconception.

Them: "Showoff!"

Me: "Who are you calling 'showoff?'"

Them: "You."

Me: "Oh yeah?"

Them: "Yeah!"

Me: "Well, kiss my..."

Oh wait, I probably shouldn't directly swear at people who wish to read this blog. I mean, they can always go to the "I hate pizza blog" just as easily with the click of another button.

Them: "Really? We can?"

Me: "Uh, yeah."

Them: "Great. See ya later, dork!"

Me: "Oh yeah, well screw you!"

Uh, sorry. Kinda lost myself a little on that one. Now, what were we talking about? Oh right, pizza. Anyway, ths stuff is great. You can't argue with me there. Unless your doctor advises you not to eat pizza, you should eat literally as much of it as you can. I mean, I am, and I haven't turned into a Ninja Turtle! But that's just me. You can eat whatever the hell you want as long as you don't make me cook it for you!

E-mailing Strongbad (Wednesday, July 14, 2010)

Maybe I should just start e-mailing homestarrunner, it would be much easier. I mean, strongbad must have messages coming in by the hundreds! Just how popular can a bunch of zeroes and ones be? I mean, it's ludicrous, it's frustrating, it's...the wrong blog again. Sorry, for a minute there I thought I was typing on my "E-mailing Strong Bad is a Bitch Because He Never Gets Back to You" blog. In case you're wondering, yes, that's a new thing.

Well, got out of cooking scott free again today. And I did not let the hot weather outside get to me. I just told my husband that I had a book deadline to meet (Yeah, that's the ticket. Blame not cooking on books and stuff. Brilliant!) Looking forward again to eating some other person's cooking soon. As Strongbad would say: "Holy crap!"

Excuse Me! (Tuesday, July 20, 2010)

I forgot to talk about how not cooking stuff today was really great! Let out a huge belch at work today and blamed it on the dog. The only problem with that is that our library does not have a dog. It did not take others long to figure out that it was I who belched, so I just told them that it's a better option than being incontinent! Just had some cereal, fruit, and macaroni today--not much on which to base a full stomach. My poor husband is probably getting sick of me not cooking. And that is when I say: "Honey, that is what fast food restaurants are for!" For the moment, he still seems to believe me. I don't know how I am going to BS my way out of the next eleven months, but, as the not-old adage goes, where there is a will, there is a way.

Ooohp ;p

Ooohp, never mind. I found it. But I am still going to not cook double tonight! That'll teach this blog to mess with me!

Well, Son of a Bitch!

Apparently being new to the whole "blogging thing" certainly has its disadvantages. When I came back here with the intent to edit my older posts and make them all nice and organized, I did not find the edit option at the bottom of the post. Now, that just pisses me off, especially since people will think that I am an illiterate slob who cannot form a coherent thought! I mean, how are people going to distinguish me not cooking from a certain day, versus me not cooking on another? Boy, this makes me so mad that I am double not going to cook stuff tonight. (I don't know how one does that, but I will find out a way to do so.) Words escape me for the moment...

Just for Fun :)

By the way, you ever eat so much macaroni that you feel like your stomach is going to explode, just like Mr. Creasote from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life? Yeah, that's what it feels like to be full of cheese! :O

More Cleaning and Stuff (Tuesday, July 13, 2010)

Did some good ol' fashioned work trying to organize all the crap in my side of the unfinished basement. (Boy, this peoject is becoming very cumbersome!) That burned up some good macaroni & cheese calories. (Mom cooked it, I didn't. Get off my back already!) Went to the doctor, and maybe (s)he will tell me to eat less (or more) stuff. While that would not be the most fun option that I could think of, there are some things that could be a lot worse, like not eating any of my junk food ever again! Hey, as long as I can continue not cooking for the rest of the year, that is fine with me!

Today 7-12-10 (Monday, July 12, 2010)

Have to fast after 8:00 P.M. for some blood work and thyroid tests tomorrow. (Finally, they will be able to tell me how to get my metabolism going and shed some pounds!) Just had a bunch of fruit and stuff because I do not want my test to indicate that I eat nothing but crap on a daily basis. Oh well, it could be a lot worse. Seriously wishing I could give up food in favor of other things (but am grateful that I can afford to eat). Don't do anything that I would do! (Except not cooking, that would be a complete slap in the face to me; please don't do that!)

7-11-10 (Sunday, July 11, 2010)

Okay, now I am a bad girl, but after along day of cleaning and organizing some shit in my side of the the basement and two walks, I worked up an appetite. But, hey, I earned it. Anyone who tries to tell me otherwise is completely wrong and should not even be reading my blog in the first place. :p Mom took both my husband and I to a reataurant, where we all ate meat. (Oh, the shame!) Well, at least I'm not as monstrous of a carinvore as I used to be, ever though I did enjoy some chicken! Also had some more crap that is not very good for me today. That's pretty much it for today. I'll come back and bore you with more details later...

July 10, 2010 (Saturday, July 10, 2010)

My mother and I were in Louisville for a concert, and we managed to find a restaurant that had about six or seven meatless items on the menu. I was so happy that I ordered some cheese quecidillas! You seldom get any meat-free items at restaurants up here, except for a baked potato at some restaurants. (So much fun, I can hardly stand the excitement!) Great day of music and not cooking. Stayed up late and did stuff that I bitch about on my other blog. Looking forward to not cooking again really soon ;)

Pizza is Good!

Yeah, I'm bad. But I can't get enough of the stuff. Anyway, it's still better than cooking and sugar. (No, not the taste. of course not! I mean for my health. Of course, my physical health is all that I have since my mental helath is shot! LOL) Well, gotta go not cooking some more stuff now! Please feel free to follow in my example...

Off Work, Still Not Cooking, Especially Now (Friday, July 9, 2010)

Well, folks, here comes another well-deserved vacation! The good thing is that on top of not working in (for lack of a better term) place, I won't have to cook a thing during this whole time, and the only time I will do so is to flip someone off who tells me to cook something for them! ;) Boy, one never gets tired of all the good things in life. Well, with 10 wonderful days of less bitchery ahead, my stomach will definitely not be suffering from lack of cooking. It's a good thing that I life in an age where I can just throw some shit into the microwave, nuke it, then slide its unhealthy contents down my throat! Long live frozen foods!!

Fruit Brings Smaller Appetite (Thursday, July 8, 2010)

Well, another good thing about fruit that forgot to menion last night is the fact that it (along with other healthy foods) decreases your appetite because of the reduced caloric intake. You also get to wet your whistle with the water that's mixed in with the fruit. Bonus! (Just try getting that out of a donut!) The bad thing is that when I start to eat junk again (not donuts), like the pizza and the four cookies I had this evening, your appetite starts to increase again. Food is a curse, but at least it's not as bad when you don't have to cook!

Lots of Fruit :p (Wednesday, July 7, 2010)

Eating hardly anything but fruits can be a bitch when you want nothing but a lot of junk food, or a good home-cooked meal. But when I decided that I would not cook for a whole year, I knew some of the "unpleasantries" that would come with it. But I must remember that: a) fruits are good for me and b) they do not have to be cooked! Besides, enjoying other people's cooking can be fun, but one must do it in moderation. Lest, people (especially those with sucky metabolisms, such as myself) would balloon up to a couple hundred pounds! Eating fruit now is like killing two birds with one stone. Think about that during your designated times of pontification...

By the way, please don't pontificate on the subject too much because there are a lot more valuable things that should be done with your not cooking time!

Grapes and Stuff (Tuesday, July 6, 2010)

Cereal and grapes. That's all I put into my humungous body today. Need to go to the stupid grocery store and get more food. (Oh well, at least it will be the kind that I won't have to cook!) Don't know when I'll get the shopping done, but it's better than slaving over a stove, or eating one of your feet because you are starving. That's definitely a no-no. I don't know if it's the lack of cooking stuff or what, but I am feeling very sleepy. Nothing new in my not-cooking adventure today. I think I'll take a little nap...

*snore*

Just Another Fruitful Day (of Not Cooking) (Monday, July 5, 2010)

Greetings all to my patient and silly readers. I am deeply grateful for your faithful following. Whatever makes you come back for more? Today, had smaller portions of some stuff, because, let's face it, one cannot live on junk food alone. Had my usual cereal, grapes, and big apple (No, not New York City), along with my last remaining slice of strawberry rhubarb pie and some orange juice (Oh, naughty naughty, but I won't tell my stomach, as long as you promise not to.)

Then, had to contend with the fact that I had to finish proofreading some more of my books. You know, I am getting sick and tired... (Oh, wait, I'm supposed to bitch about that on my other blog!)

Well, to work off the calories, I got to walk in the heat to some of my favorite tunes. And let me tell you, The Beatles and Badfinger never sounded so good!

Hubby was not angry with me for not cooking today, because we had just bought him some nice, juicy angus burgers a few nights ago. He also has a lot of watermelon left as well, which should hold him for a while. Always glad to be living during a time where food is readily available at a store. Until next time, fellow non-cookers!

Posting for July 4 (Sunday, July 4, 2010)

Picnic in the park. Man, it was nice. My husband, some in-laws, and I all went to a local park for a cookout. While I did help take things down after we were ready to leave our spot, I did not have to cook (or help prepare) one thing! My husband was just pleased to have some burgers and hot dogs in his stomach, and I did not have to slave over a hot grill! That was someone else's fun, little task. I let them take care of the meat, while I sat and sweated outside. (This damn fat on my body is making me hotter, and I am never hot, ask almost anyone I know!) Anyway, after pigging out on green beans, macaroni & cheese, broccoli casserole, and cake, I was ready to chug down lots of water and call it a day.

We had a good time at the park, except for the fact that it was a bit hot, and I didn't want to watch the others climb the water tower. (I chickened out because I don't like heights. I've been looking forward to this vacation, and I would be very pissed off if I died before I got to enjoy it!) Managed to get through the rest of the day not having to cook because my husband and I enjoyed some leftover watermelon and cake. (Here's the part where a normal blogger would write more, but I am not normal, and this blog's main purpose is to let others know of my progress for not cooking stuff.) So, all in all, we had a good time. Here's to another day, my first holiday of not cooking!

Semantics, Semantics

Okay, okay. Now some of you may have now noticed that the heading for the wikipedia page is "Semi-vegetarianism." My mistake; it's all still there! Semantics, semantics, semantics. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Not Cooking is Fun (Saturday, July 3, 2010)

And I will defend that claim 'til my dying day, but it's hard not to cook stuff when other people you live with don't cook much either. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart, but when two people who don't cook live with each other, things can get pretty hairy. Words are said, and cars are driven to fast food restaurants. Since, obviously, neither one of us cooked today, we pretty much just went with our old standard. This consists of us shoveling junk food into our mouths for half the time wasted on food labor.

See, I'll be real honest here, folks. The only reason why I ever bothered with cooking in the first place is because we cannot afford to eat out all the time (plus, it packs on the pounds). Part of the way to remedy that is to eat cereals and raw fruits and vegetables. This works for me a good amount of the time, but this does not work for my husband. While I am considered a "flexitarian," (a person who only eats meat on certain occasions.) I am fine with a good, healthy mostly vegan diet some days. My husband, on the other hand, is a carnivore. He loves his burgers most of all. And while I haven't eaten a burger since I was nine, (And I had to, they wouldn't let me have my ice cream if I didn't eat the damn burger.) I can understand how hard it would be to give all that up. But, I digress. As soon as I become rich and can get out of this stinkin' job, I will gladly pay people to prepare and supply our food for us. Not that I would hire a chef, because fruits (I'll level with you, folks, I actually eat more meat than vegetables, which says something) make me feel great and are as cheap as all get out. And there is nothing sweeter than enjoying the fruit of someone else's labor! (No pun intended.)

Junk food is good for maybe the entire minute or two it takes to ingest, then you feel like shit after too much of it, but that is not the point. The point is that I am not going to cook for the next 361 days, and the Lord help anything that tries to stand on my way! Whew, little streak of persistence there; I'm O.K. But, yeah eating all this crap is giving me plenty of not-cooking time; plus it tastes too good to give up completely!

P.S. For all of you naysayers who don't think that "flexitarian" is actually a word, just look it up on wikipedia. I swear; it's right there! Don't believe me, I will include the direct link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flexitarian Come on, like half the people in the world don't think that everything published on the Internet is true!

I also Hate Cleaning the House (Friday, July 2, 2010

Today, on my second day of not having too cook stuff, I found that I had a little free time after I got home from work. While my husband was playing his video games downstairs, I decided to clean up the house a little, (which I hate almost as much as cooking) but it is the more desireable of the two chores. Not that the place is gleaming (Hey, I work full time as a damn librarian for a living, what do you expect?) but it's a lot better than it was before. Ordered some pizza for dinner tonight because I am off the hook once again. :)

Had more cereal for breakfast, more fruit for lunch. I could get used to this kind of life!

Mornings are Better When You Don't Have to Cook! (Thursday, July 1, 2010)

Day 1: Woke up this morning at 8:20 A.M. Ugh! I wanted to pull the covers back over my head and make my husband go to work for me. (By the way, don't become a librarian, unless you really like people and getting interrupted; it sucks.) I was completely listless, until I realized that today was my first day, for a whole year, that I would not have to cook anything. I smiled, did a big stretch, then leaped out of bed like a Disney princess! After humming while getting dressed, I skipped into the kitchen for a nice bowl of wheat cereal. Say it with me, now: "MMMM Fiber!" My husband had yet to wake up, so I started snickering as I walked out the door. Today, he is going to truly notice the absence of me cooking! Boy, won't he be irked! (Yeah, right, as if that's any big surprise!)

Lunches at work are simple. I don't even have to throw anything in the microwave to be nuked! I usually eat fruits, bananas, apples, and grapes. Lunchtime is also known as my happy time! :) When all those others are throwing TV dinners in the microwave, stinking up the place, I get to eat my fruit AND escape from the others, who are currently outside the door. Now that I know I won't have to cook anything for a whole year, my fruit will taste even sweeter on my tongue.

Got home, and my husband asked what we were having for dinner. I said: "You are going to have a microwave burger and a soda. I am going to have more fruit." He must have been a little shocked, because he didn't think that I would take this whole not cooking thing seriously. Now, how long has he known me? After he gave me a blank stare, I just smiled and headed outside for my evening walk. Man, now I know why all these vegetarians and "minimalist eaters" are so happy, they don't have to cook a damn thing!

I thoroughly enjoyed my first, whole day of not cooking, that I settled in the bed and started reading a good book. I think I'm going to like these next 364 days!

Introduction (Wednesday, June 30, 2010)

Hello everyone:

My name is Jen, and I absolutely HATE to cook! I did not like it when I was younger, I do not like it now, nor will I ever. Interestingly enough, a few weeks ago, I checked out and read a little book called Julie & Julia, by Julie Powell. In it, she describes how she cooked her way through Julia Child's famous book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Both Julia and Julie were/are amazing women, and what they did was spectacular. I could never even conceive doing something so phenomenol, like they did, but they have inspired me nonetheless.

So, after having read the book and watched the movie last night, my husband and I were talking. I told him that I wanted to start another blog, which would get people to notice me as a writer. Since writing is the only real talent that I seem to possess, I had to stretch my mind a little bit on this one. After a few moments of thinking, an idea came to me. After my husband asked me what was so funny after hearing me guffaw for a few seconds, I told him that I would write a different blog, something unique. I told him that I would write a year-long blog about not cooking, anything! Once he told me that was truly something I could write about, (because I do it so well!) I decided to make a go of it!

The process will be long and tiresome (because of all the typing), but I will not let that get in my way. Also, it is important for everyone who is reading this to know that this is a spoof, and nothing but a spoof, which accurately portrays my hatred for cooking! In essence, it is almost, entirely, a work of fiction. True, I may only cook a real meal once or twice a month, but I would never go a whole year without making my husband his favorite meals. That might upset him, just a little bit. Now, with that in mind, please feel free to savor this work as a nourishing morsel on which to feast your mind. And, if in any way this blog makes you hungry, please fell free to call your favorite pizza restaurant and have them deliver! (Your computer monitor would be very hard to digest!)

Enjoy! ;)