Same Old Song and Dance (Saturday, July 31, 2010)

(Forgive me if I used that title on this or my other blog. I can't remember now, and I don't think I want to!) Nope. Nope. Definitely did not cook today. Tried to stabalize my poor system by throwing in some good fruit and veggies to balance out the junk. I guess it's working because I do not find myself craving stuff every day like I used to. Plus, it keeps me emotionally stable, which is not an easy thing during the red tide (if you catch my drift). Go and not cook something for me.

Shopping Sucks (Friday, July 30, 2010)

Had to get more damn food shopping done. I hate it, but it's not as bad as redular shopping. I just ate more junk and subsided on other stuff. Getting really exasperated at people telling me how much they love to cook. Yeah, right, and I going to the doctor's office to have shots! ;p

Good Thing Not all Foods Have to Be Cooked (Thursday, July 29, 2010)

By me, that is. But we've already been over this too many times to count in this tiny, tiny magic box, which seems to get larger with more words as I type them in. Nothing too new on the forefront. Good thing that I do not have to cook for another eleven months because I am very busy writing an (unauthorized) autobiography. (It's so secret that I'm not even supposed to tell that I did not give myself permission to write it!) Had some more pizza-related stuff today. Still having a hard time coping with cutting down my sweets, (and I have yet to actually do it) but that will all come in good time. My health is important, and so is my new secret book. I'd tell you all more about it, but then I would have to kill myself! So, keep on truckin' with your non-cooking, bad selves!

Low Key (Wednesday, July 28, 2010)

Well, decided to keep it low-key today. Glad that I got out of cooking because I worked later tonight. Though I am completely addicted to sugar, I need to find something else good tasting to eat because I feel like crap when I eat too much of that. Just had some chicken soup and less sugar so I could take better care of myself. Keep not cooking, but eat processed sugar in moderation.

Pizza is Controlling My Life! (Tuesday, July 27, 2010)

Well, not really. That would be bad, not only bad in the sense that it is not healthy, but bad in the cheesy sci-fi movie ripoff sense! Had a pizza tonight to celebrate (see my other blog) and did not feel one bit guilty about not cooking. More cakes and sweets to go around, and hubby did not complain. Need to go buy some more food when we gets the monheey!! Too busy stuffing my face to even write more! Keep getting stuff published, I mean, not cooking!

More Bad Food, Still Don't Care (Monday, July 26, 2010)

That's right, I said it. I am learning to not care about my weight so much as having my food needs met. The sad part is, I used to be the opposite a few years ago, even though I did not have to cook back then, either! The reason why I don't care is because nothing is going to help me shed some pounds, unless my visit to the endocrinologist in a few weeks helps. So, until then, I am going to keep eating whatever the hell I want, as long as I include some good foods in my diet. That way, I will be a lot less cranky and more willing to want to eat. It's all about balance. Keep on doing what you're doing, my fellow non cookers!

Shrinking Dishes (Sunday, July 25, 2010)

Another good thing about not cooking. Less dishwashing to fool with. I mean, even though we have some junk and use regular dishes, it is not as much of a burden as it used to be. Now I have more time for doing important things, such as watching movies with my hubby! Anyway, washing dishes too much has its consequences. The more you wash the dishes, the more they shrink! And, now, it will become very hard to make them fit (underneath your favorite meals). A simple solution to this would be to purchase paper or styrofoam plates, though they are not as environmentally friendly. But, shrinking dishes continue to be a problem all across the country. But, as with every other situation on earth, there IS something you can do about. Just not cooking for at least one meal a day can help. That way, you won't have to bombard the dish market with never-ending requests for something that cannot keep up with you or your palate!

Had a Nice Dinner Out (Saturday, July 24, 2010)

Had a nice dinner out tonight with my hubby. We went to one of our favorite restaurants and got a variety of good foods, such as cheesefries, chicken, steak, and plenty of broccoli! I love broccoli!! Anyway, my poor hubby has caught on as to why I want to eat out all the time rather than stay at home. That means I don't cook for him. Sure, it may drain my wallet and make me even more of a fat ass, but, at this point, I don't care. As long as I get stuff in my body that helps to keep me alive and I can stay away from the stove.

P to the I to the Z to the to the Z to the A (Friday, July 23, 2010)

Had a mixture of both good and bad foods. Made my husband cook us a pizza and some breadsticks in the oven. That shit never gets old! I don't care what anyone else says, but pizza is the best food in the whole world!! And the beauty of pizza is that people can customize theirs any way they want, and they don't have to worry about what names people would call them because pizza IS the universal food. Come on, I mean, what other foods can you put both pineapple and bacon on? Anyone who argues with me on this point will never be allowed to read this blog again, or anything else that I had written (whether having accessed it on purpose or not). This time, I am putting my foot down!

Funny Thing Happened Today (Thursday, July 22, 2010)

Actually, nothing funny happened. And I'm not just talking about me. Nope, absolutely nothing funny happened all over the world today. Don't believe me. Go on, look it up. As I have said before EVERYTHING on the Internet is absoultely right! I mean, this is how all these students look up all that wonderful information for school papers and stuff!

Even though I am not going to cook for a little over eleven months, I still had to go food shopping. (Groin, I mean, groan!) All you people with no personal servants know what I am talking about.

Deep Thoughts (Wednesday, July 21,2010)

Well, ok, I will admit that my name is not Jack Handey, but that does not stop me from pontificating every once in a while. I just get to thinking about the state of the world, and all the serious stuff therein. It almost makes me feel guilty for my not cooking posts, almost. Nothing for you to spit milk out of your nose while laughing will be mentioned today. You just have to go back and read all my old posts.

Plain (Tuesday, July 20, 2010)

Ok, that was a bad title. No one really wants to read something with the word "plain," or something similar to that, therein. Aside from having to go back to the "groin," (whoops, I mean grind) nothing spectacular happened. No ice cream and fatty cakes for this fatty tonight! Just boring old stuff, which sufficed, in order to keep me alive.

Grrr... (Monday, July 19, 2010)

See what some asshole just posted to my blog comment message board thingie:

"This blog is a joke! Not only is it not serious, but it does not talk about not cooking stuff as well. I mean, the person who wrote this shoud really have his/her head examined because it has nothing to do with Julia Child! People like this should not be given a creative license with which to think!"

"...not talk about cooking stuff." The nerve of this person! I mean, that's what this blog is about. That's the theme. This blog celebrates lazy people, like me, who do not want to fool with cooking because it is a pain in the ass!

Baby, Come Back! (Sunday, July 18, 2010)

I an attempt to gain back my loyal blog followers, I am going to do something so vile, so unspeakable, so un imaginiably horrible that no one in the whole world has ever thought to do something like this before... I'm going to chug vinegear oil, wearing a polka dotted dress, while not cooking and watching old episodes of Married With Children. What? That's not disgusting enough. Oh, ok, now I know how to fix it . Correction. I am going to do all that stuff I just mentioned while watching episodes of Seinfeld instead. There, that's much more unspeakable!

There, now that you're back in the saddle again, let's get to talking about how my non-cooking is going. Today, I did not cook a whole can of chicken noodle soup, washed down with some plain, non sparkly water. (Oh, love that water!) Anyway, I had some more cereal in the morning and more fruit in the afternoon. Nothing left to the imagination here, except how my living room carpet looked, soaked with all that vegetable oil that missed my mouth.

To Meat or not to Meat (Saturday, July 17, 2010)

Wow, I was a bad girl today. We went to a party where they served nothing but mean, green beans, potato salad, and cole slaw. Since I abhor potato salad and cole slaw, I was stuck eating nothing but green beans (which I love, but even they had bits of meat in with them) and chicken and pulled pork in hamburger buns. I don't want to sound too preachy, but when I am in the mood for good side dishes, as an alternative to a lot of meat, then I had better be accomodated, dammit! These people can't expect me to not to trash a hotel room (or a party) when I don't get my way. I mean, I was the one who wrote the famous novel, I Love You, Beth Cooper, which was recently made into a movie. Oh wait, that was Larry Doyle... Ahem *crickets chirping* Well, it seems as if I have certainly shot myself in the foot. I guess you all are still checking out the aforementioned "I hate pizza" blog. Please come back to me. Please... I'll do anything! I;ll not cook for two whole years if that's what it takes to get you back... *more crickets chirping*

Guys...

I Am Ice Cream (and so can You)! (Friday, July 16, 2010)

My husband and I enjoyed a romantic dinner at our favorite steakhouse tonight. With all the whooping and hollering that went on, I could hardly hear our waitress as she tried to take our order. What's even worse was the fact that I couldn't hear my favorite ROCK music coming from the jukebox! that really pissed me off. Oh well, free not cooking dinner for me, score!

Later that night, we were at home, relaxing and enjoying the new movies that were recorded on our DVR. My husband was busy eating his pint of Americone Dream ice cream, straight from Stephen Colbert's fridge! (Me, I think the ice cream should be called I am Ice Cream (and so Can You) in honor of food truthiness, but no, they just had to give it a black & white name!) Thus, I digress. Waffle cone and funny ice cream is definitely a good thing!

Pizza Time! (Thursday, July 15, 2010)

Found a nice, cheap Little Ceasar's pizza place near where we live, so we just took advantage of it and made a meal out of that. (No pun intended.) I can't believe that that place almost went out of business. As willpowered as I can be, pizza is one of my great weaknesses. What can I say, it's like green kryptonite for Superman, but only slightly less deadly! Neither my husband, nor myself, can resist gorging and stuffing our faces with the "four food group" glory that has taken our nation by storm. This delicious foodstuff was really invented in Turkey (although, most people think pizza was invented in Italy). But that's a common misconception.

Them: "Showoff!"

Me: "Who are you calling 'showoff?'"

Them: "You."

Me: "Oh yeah?"

Them: "Yeah!"

Me: "Well, kiss my..."

Oh wait, I probably shouldn't directly swear at people who wish to read this blog. I mean, they can always go to the "I hate pizza blog" just as easily with the click of another button.

Them: "Really? We can?"

Me: "Uh, yeah."

Them: "Great. See ya later, dork!"

Me: "Oh yeah, well screw you!"

Uh, sorry. Kinda lost myself a little on that one. Now, what were we talking about? Oh right, pizza. Anyway, ths stuff is great. You can't argue with me there. Unless your doctor advises you not to eat pizza, you should eat literally as much of it as you can. I mean, I am, and I haven't turned into a Ninja Turtle! But that's just me. You can eat whatever the hell you want as long as you don't make me cook it for you!

E-mailing Strongbad (Wednesday, July 14, 2010)

Maybe I should just start e-mailing homestarrunner, it would be much easier. I mean, strongbad must have messages coming in by the hundreds! Just how popular can a bunch of zeroes and ones be? I mean, it's ludicrous, it's frustrating, it's...the wrong blog again. Sorry, for a minute there I thought I was typing on my "E-mailing Strong Bad is a Bitch Because He Never Gets Back to You" blog. In case you're wondering, yes, that's a new thing.

Well, got out of cooking scott free again today. And I did not let the hot weather outside get to me. I just told my husband that I had a book deadline to meet (Yeah, that's the ticket. Blame not cooking on books and stuff. Brilliant!) Looking forward again to eating some other person's cooking soon. As Strongbad would say: "Holy crap!"

Excuse Me! (Tuesday, July 20, 2010)

I forgot to talk about how not cooking stuff today was really great! Let out a huge belch at work today and blamed it on the dog. The only problem with that is that our library does not have a dog. It did not take others long to figure out that it was I who belched, so I just told them that it's a better option than being incontinent! Just had some cereal, fruit, and macaroni today--not much on which to base a full stomach. My poor husband is probably getting sick of me not cooking. And that is when I say: "Honey, that is what fast food restaurants are for!" For the moment, he still seems to believe me. I don't know how I am going to BS my way out of the next eleven months, but, as the not-old adage goes, where there is a will, there is a way.

Ooohp ;p

Ooohp, never mind. I found it. But I am still going to not cook double tonight! That'll teach this blog to mess with me!

Well, Son of a Bitch!

Apparently being new to the whole "blogging thing" certainly has its disadvantages. When I came back here with the intent to edit my older posts and make them all nice and organized, I did not find the edit option at the bottom of the post. Now, that just pisses me off, especially since people will think that I am an illiterate slob who cannot form a coherent thought! I mean, how are people going to distinguish me not cooking from a certain day, versus me not cooking on another? Boy, this makes me so mad that I am double not going to cook stuff tonight. (I don't know how one does that, but I will find out a way to do so.) Words escape me for the moment...

Just for Fun :)

By the way, you ever eat so much macaroni that you feel like your stomach is going to explode, just like Mr. Creasote from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life? Yeah, that's what it feels like to be full of cheese! :O

More Cleaning and Stuff (Tuesday, July 13, 2010)

Did some good ol' fashioned work trying to organize all the crap in my side of the unfinished basement. (Boy, this peoject is becoming very cumbersome!) That burned up some good macaroni & cheese calories. (Mom cooked it, I didn't. Get off my back already!) Went to the doctor, and maybe (s)he will tell me to eat less (or more) stuff. While that would not be the most fun option that I could think of, there are some things that could be a lot worse, like not eating any of my junk food ever again! Hey, as long as I can continue not cooking for the rest of the year, that is fine with me!

Today 7-12-10 (Monday, July 12, 2010)

Have to fast after 8:00 P.M. for some blood work and thyroid tests tomorrow. (Finally, they will be able to tell me how to get my metabolism going and shed some pounds!) Just had a bunch of fruit and stuff because I do not want my test to indicate that I eat nothing but crap on a daily basis. Oh well, it could be a lot worse. Seriously wishing I could give up food in favor of other things (but am grateful that I can afford to eat). Don't do anything that I would do! (Except not cooking, that would be a complete slap in the face to me; please don't do that!)

7-11-10 (Sunday, July 11, 2010)

Okay, now I am a bad girl, but after along day of cleaning and organizing some shit in my side of the the basement and two walks, I worked up an appetite. But, hey, I earned it. Anyone who tries to tell me otherwise is completely wrong and should not even be reading my blog in the first place. :p Mom took both my husband and I to a reataurant, where we all ate meat. (Oh, the shame!) Well, at least I'm not as monstrous of a carinvore as I used to be, ever though I did enjoy some chicken! Also had some more crap that is not very good for me today. That's pretty much it for today. I'll come back and bore you with more details later...

July 10, 2010 (Saturday, July 10, 2010)

My mother and I were in Louisville for a concert, and we managed to find a restaurant that had about six or seven meatless items on the menu. I was so happy that I ordered some cheese quecidillas! You seldom get any meat-free items at restaurants up here, except for a baked potato at some restaurants. (So much fun, I can hardly stand the excitement!) Great day of music and not cooking. Stayed up late and did stuff that I bitch about on my other blog. Looking forward to not cooking again really soon ;)

Pizza is Good!

Yeah, I'm bad. But I can't get enough of the stuff. Anyway, it's still better than cooking and sugar. (No, not the taste. of course not! I mean for my health. Of course, my physical health is all that I have since my mental helath is shot! LOL) Well, gotta go not cooking some more stuff now! Please feel free to follow in my example...

Off Work, Still Not Cooking, Especially Now (Friday, July 9, 2010)

Well, folks, here comes another well-deserved vacation! The good thing is that on top of not working in (for lack of a better term) place, I won't have to cook a thing during this whole time, and the only time I will do so is to flip someone off who tells me to cook something for them! ;) Boy, one never gets tired of all the good things in life. Well, with 10 wonderful days of less bitchery ahead, my stomach will definitely not be suffering from lack of cooking. It's a good thing that I life in an age where I can just throw some shit into the microwave, nuke it, then slide its unhealthy contents down my throat! Long live frozen foods!!

Fruit Brings Smaller Appetite (Thursday, July 8, 2010)

Well, another good thing about fruit that forgot to menion last night is the fact that it (along with other healthy foods) decreases your appetite because of the reduced caloric intake. You also get to wet your whistle with the water that's mixed in with the fruit. Bonus! (Just try getting that out of a donut!) The bad thing is that when I start to eat junk again (not donuts), like the pizza and the four cookies I had this evening, your appetite starts to increase again. Food is a curse, but at least it's not as bad when you don't have to cook!

Lots of Fruit :p (Wednesday, July 7, 2010)

Eating hardly anything but fruits can be a bitch when you want nothing but a lot of junk food, or a good home-cooked meal. But when I decided that I would not cook for a whole year, I knew some of the "unpleasantries" that would come with it. But I must remember that: a) fruits are good for me and b) they do not have to be cooked! Besides, enjoying other people's cooking can be fun, but one must do it in moderation. Lest, people (especially those with sucky metabolisms, such as myself) would balloon up to a couple hundred pounds! Eating fruit now is like killing two birds with one stone. Think about that during your designated times of pontification...

By the way, please don't pontificate on the subject too much because there are a lot more valuable things that should be done with your not cooking time!

Grapes and Stuff (Tuesday, July 6, 2010)

Cereal and grapes. That's all I put into my humungous body today. Need to go to the stupid grocery store and get more food. (Oh well, at least it will be the kind that I won't have to cook!) Don't know when I'll get the shopping done, but it's better than slaving over a stove, or eating one of your feet because you are starving. That's definitely a no-no. I don't know if it's the lack of cooking stuff or what, but I am feeling very sleepy. Nothing new in my not-cooking adventure today. I think I'll take a little nap...

*snore*

Just Another Fruitful Day (of Not Cooking) (Monday, July 5, 2010)

Greetings all to my patient and silly readers. I am deeply grateful for your faithful following. Whatever makes you come back for more? Today, had smaller portions of some stuff, because, let's face it, one cannot live on junk food alone. Had my usual cereal, grapes, and big apple (No, not New York City), along with my last remaining slice of strawberry rhubarb pie and some orange juice (Oh, naughty naughty, but I won't tell my stomach, as long as you promise not to.)

Then, had to contend with the fact that I had to finish proofreading some more of my books. You know, I am getting sick and tired... (Oh, wait, I'm supposed to bitch about that on my other blog!)

Well, to work off the calories, I got to walk in the heat to some of my favorite tunes. And let me tell you, The Beatles and Badfinger never sounded so good!

Hubby was not angry with me for not cooking today, because we had just bought him some nice, juicy angus burgers a few nights ago. He also has a lot of watermelon left as well, which should hold him for a while. Always glad to be living during a time where food is readily available at a store. Until next time, fellow non-cookers!

Posting for July 4 (Sunday, July 4, 2010)

Picnic in the park. Man, it was nice. My husband, some in-laws, and I all went to a local park for a cookout. While I did help take things down after we were ready to leave our spot, I did not have to cook (or help prepare) one thing! My husband was just pleased to have some burgers and hot dogs in his stomach, and I did not have to slave over a hot grill! That was someone else's fun, little task. I let them take care of the meat, while I sat and sweated outside. (This damn fat on my body is making me hotter, and I am never hot, ask almost anyone I know!) Anyway, after pigging out on green beans, macaroni & cheese, broccoli casserole, and cake, I was ready to chug down lots of water and call it a day.

We had a good time at the park, except for the fact that it was a bit hot, and I didn't want to watch the others climb the water tower. (I chickened out because I don't like heights. I've been looking forward to this vacation, and I would be very pissed off if I died before I got to enjoy it!) Managed to get through the rest of the day not having to cook because my husband and I enjoyed some leftover watermelon and cake. (Here's the part where a normal blogger would write more, but I am not normal, and this blog's main purpose is to let others know of my progress for not cooking stuff.) So, all in all, we had a good time. Here's to another day, my first holiday of not cooking!

Semantics, Semantics

Okay, okay. Now some of you may have now noticed that the heading for the wikipedia page is "Semi-vegetarianism." My mistake; it's all still there! Semantics, semantics, semantics. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Not Cooking is Fun (Saturday, July 3, 2010)

And I will defend that claim 'til my dying day, but it's hard not to cook stuff when other people you live with don't cook much either. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart, but when two people who don't cook live with each other, things can get pretty hairy. Words are said, and cars are driven to fast food restaurants. Since, obviously, neither one of us cooked today, we pretty much just went with our old standard. This consists of us shoveling junk food into our mouths for half the time wasted on food labor.

See, I'll be real honest here, folks. The only reason why I ever bothered with cooking in the first place is because we cannot afford to eat out all the time (plus, it packs on the pounds). Part of the way to remedy that is to eat cereals and raw fruits and vegetables. This works for me a good amount of the time, but this does not work for my husband. While I am considered a "flexitarian," (a person who only eats meat on certain occasions.) I am fine with a good, healthy mostly vegan diet some days. My husband, on the other hand, is a carnivore. He loves his burgers most of all. And while I haven't eaten a burger since I was nine, (And I had to, they wouldn't let me have my ice cream if I didn't eat the damn burger.) I can understand how hard it would be to give all that up. But, I digress. As soon as I become rich and can get out of this stinkin' job, I will gladly pay people to prepare and supply our food for us. Not that I would hire a chef, because fruits (I'll level with you, folks, I actually eat more meat than vegetables, which says something) make me feel great and are as cheap as all get out. And there is nothing sweeter than enjoying the fruit of someone else's labor! (No pun intended.)

Junk food is good for maybe the entire minute or two it takes to ingest, then you feel like shit after too much of it, but that is not the point. The point is that I am not going to cook for the next 361 days, and the Lord help anything that tries to stand on my way! Whew, little streak of persistence there; I'm O.K. But, yeah eating all this crap is giving me plenty of not-cooking time; plus it tastes too good to give up completely!

P.S. For all of you naysayers who don't think that "flexitarian" is actually a word, just look it up on wikipedia. I swear; it's right there! Don't believe me, I will include the direct link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flexitarian Come on, like half the people in the world don't think that everything published on the Internet is true!

I also Hate Cleaning the House (Friday, July 2, 2010

Today, on my second day of not having too cook stuff, I found that I had a little free time after I got home from work. While my husband was playing his video games downstairs, I decided to clean up the house a little, (which I hate almost as much as cooking) but it is the more desireable of the two chores. Not that the place is gleaming (Hey, I work full time as a damn librarian for a living, what do you expect?) but it's a lot better than it was before. Ordered some pizza for dinner tonight because I am off the hook once again. :)

Had more cereal for breakfast, more fruit for lunch. I could get used to this kind of life!

Mornings are Better When You Don't Have to Cook! (Thursday, July 1, 2010)

Day 1: Woke up this morning at 8:20 A.M. Ugh! I wanted to pull the covers back over my head and make my husband go to work for me. (By the way, don't become a librarian, unless you really like people and getting interrupted; it sucks.) I was completely listless, until I realized that today was my first day, for a whole year, that I would not have to cook anything. I smiled, did a big stretch, then leaped out of bed like a Disney princess! After humming while getting dressed, I skipped into the kitchen for a nice bowl of wheat cereal. Say it with me, now: "MMMM Fiber!" My husband had yet to wake up, so I started snickering as I walked out the door. Today, he is going to truly notice the absence of me cooking! Boy, won't he be irked! (Yeah, right, as if that's any big surprise!)

Lunches at work are simple. I don't even have to throw anything in the microwave to be nuked! I usually eat fruits, bananas, apples, and grapes. Lunchtime is also known as my happy time! :) When all those others are throwing TV dinners in the microwave, stinking up the place, I get to eat my fruit AND escape from the others, who are currently outside the door. Now that I know I won't have to cook anything for a whole year, my fruit will taste even sweeter on my tongue.

Got home, and my husband asked what we were having for dinner. I said: "You are going to have a microwave burger and a soda. I am going to have more fruit." He must have been a little shocked, because he didn't think that I would take this whole not cooking thing seriously. Now, how long has he known me? After he gave me a blank stare, I just smiled and headed outside for my evening walk. Man, now I know why all these vegetarians and "minimalist eaters" are so happy, they don't have to cook a damn thing!

I thoroughly enjoyed my first, whole day of not cooking, that I settled in the bed and started reading a good book. I think I'm going to like these next 364 days!